ashleighrosemay

social media is a great and terrible thing. it allows us to connect to, build relationships with (or maintain them!) and share our lives with people across all corners of the globe. it means that family, friends and loved ones can still maintain close relationships despite thousands of miles between them; it gives us a public forum to share our thoughts and life experiences.
however, with that comes an increasing population of keyboard warriors – people who say ugly, brutal and terrible things because they feel untouchable behind the screen of their smartphone, tablet or computer.

they post things that i’m almost certain no decent human being would say in real life. and although i myself have never been the victim of such an attack, it really, really gets me. 
i feel like i need to stop here and say – i am not the world’s nicest person, nor am i a bleeding heart. i’m just your average human with a conscience and some morals. 
but, i digress. 
this year, i’ve gotten really into watching Survivor. my boyfriend vaguely knows one of the contestants and so, we’re both hooked. there are contestants i like, and contestants i dislike. that’s basically true for how i (and most people) feel about the whole of humanity, so i’m okay with that. you can’t love everyone. 

what’s really disturbed me, though, are the comments i’ve seen posted publicly about these people on both their personal social media accounts and the ones set up specifically for the show. 

“XXX is such a sad, weak individual…”

“list the top 3 contestants that you want to die…”

“…says the girl with an annoying personality and history of poor performances…”

and the list goes on. and of course, this isn’t the first show for this to happen on – The Bachelor, MasterChef, MKR, The Block – it seems like everyone has an opinion, and the majority of those opinions aren’t kind. 

but really, what do you gain from sharing them?

i’m not a massive reality TV fan, but i have my favourites. i love the water-cooler gossip at work about a contestant’s triumph in a challenge or a spectacular failure. i enjoy speculating about who is going to win, or which contestant will be voted out/eliminated each week. 

however, reality TV is now so deeply ingrained into our culture that we forget that the people on our screens are human. they’re someone’s brother, daughter, mother, grandfather, uncle, wife, fiancée, cousin, colleague or best friend. they are real people, with real emotions, the same as the rest of us. 
they’re also probably under some of the greatest pressure of their lives, and/or being manipulated by a producer, other contestants or clever editing. 

yes, they’ve signed up for a degree of this. nobody expects that they will be portrayed accurately on a reality show. everyone knows that someone has to be the villain and that it could be them. they know that it won’t be an easy ride. 

but the way that the viewing public treat them, just isn’t fair. and why do they do it?
because from behind a keyboard, touchscreen or anything in between, they’re anonymous. 
they can say whatever twisted, dark, ugly thoughts are running through their mind, because a) they feel as though nobody will really care anyway and b) the person it’s directed against is unlikely to see it. 

well, they’re wrong on both counts. people do care, and HELLO, most of these shows are filmed 3-6 months before they air, so of course the person these comments are about will hear about them. even if they themselves are not active on social media, all it takes is a friend, family member or colleague to share a screenshot and that person has just received a knife in the heart from someone that they don’t know, and who doesn’t really know them. 

and of course, it’s so easy to say that they should just “shake it off” or “ignore it”. 

great. some people can; they’re resilient enough or empowered enough or confident enough to do so. more power to them for being able to rise above it all. 

and you know what? a lot of people can’t. to a lot of people, each of these comments is a drop in a bucket that’s soon overflowing. or perhaps each comment is a gouge from a knife that soon has them bleeding out. for everyone it’s different, but for everyone it hurts. 

just this week, a former reality star turned media personality has announced that she has deleted her social media profiles because the haters, bullies and trolls have affected her to the point where she can’t cope anymore. 

and this is the world we live in. 

so, i hear you say – what can i do about it? 
“i can’t stop other people from making negative posts.”

no, you can’t. but the standard you walk past, is the standard you accept. 

so, call it out. 

report abusive, racist, sexist etc comments to Facebook/Twitter/Insta etc

if someone you know is spreading this trash into the world – tell them that it’s not okay. 

it’s not easy to do, but it is the RIGHT thing to do. 

and instead, spread a little kindness. a little love. a little humour. you’d be surprised at how easy it is to make someone’s day; to build someone up instead of tearing them down. 
if you can’t do that – then perhaps think of these wise words before you post anything online:

“be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.”

“words are knives and often leave scars.”

peace.  

i love food. 

i love buying it.

i love cooking it.

i especially love having it cooked for me.

i love eating it.

 

there’s something so satisfying about selecting a recipe (either a new one, or one you know by heart), purchasing the ingredients, preparing them and putting everything together to create a delicious dish to share with loved ones or enjoy alone.

 

i would be lying, though, if i said that my relationship with food has always been an easy one.

 

i’ve lived through an eating disorder; through the judgement of people telling me what i should and shouldn’t put into my body.

 

i’m fortunate though, in that i’ve had the right people around me to help me come out the other side and realise that what i eat, is my choice.

 

i very much believe that food is fuel and that the majority of the time, you should choose to give your body the best fuels you can – lots of fresh fruit, vegetables and lean protein.

 

i also believe that food is so much more than fuel.

 

it’s a social thing.

 

it’s a romantic thing.

 

it’s a thing of pleasure.

 

it’s enjoyable – in the preparation and the eating.

 

it’s appealing to all of the senses.

 

and so, i don’t believe in restricting what i eat too much.

 

i will happily eat a plate of lightly steamed broccoli with lemon juice, pepper, salt and a hint of olive oil.

 

i love going out for asian food to enjoy stir-fried bok choy with garlic sauce.

 

hot chips are my kryptonite – i can never say no!

 

i eat far more gelato than most people say i should – and have no regrets about that.

 

i also think that if being vegetarian/vegan/gluten free/paeleo/fruitarian/a raw foodie works for you – then that’s cool too. it’s not the life for me, but if it’s what makes you feel the way that you want to feel, then go for it with everything you’ve got.

 

what i don’t advocate for, is putting guilt onto others for their choices.

 

don’t lecture me on the ills of consuming too much sugar when i’m drinking a can of coke.

 

don’t tell your friend that she should give up eating meat because you have an objection to the meat industry.

 

don’t laugh at that girl at work who is vegan and tell her she’s being ridiculous.

 

don’t roll your eyes at that friend who orders an off-the-menu meal at your favourite restaurant to accomodate her low fructose/low carb/low protein diet.

 

people make food choices because it’s what they feel is best for their body.

 

not mine.

 

not yours.

 

not anybody else’s.

 

theirs.

 

so, don’t share a recipe with the intent on converting someone to your way of eating – share it because it’s delicious and you want other people to enjoy it!

 

don’t share a photo of a green salad so that you can hashtag it with #cleaneating – share it because you thought it looked so good you couldn’t help taking a snapshot!

 

don’t preach to others about why your way of life is better than theirs – humanity has been around for thousands of years and we’re not dead yet. there is no one best way to eat.

 

don’t write a blog extolling the virtues of your latest teatox/cleanse/diet to get likes, sponsors or followers – if that’s why you’re blogging, maybe writing isn’t for you.

 

instead, just focus on you.

 

what makes you feel good.

 

what makes you happy.

 

what has you thinking “i can’t wait for breakfast/lunch/dinner”.

 

listen to your body; what it likes and what it doesn’t, the cravings you have and the things you enjoy eating.

 

i promise you – you’ll be happier for it.

 

ash xo

a few weeks ago i turned 26, and my life is both everything (and nothing) like i thought it would be.

i very distinctly remember being a teenager and thinking that by the time i was 25, i would have it all figured out.
i’d be married.
i’d have a career i was passionate about, preferrably in the legal or journalism industries.
i’d own my own home.
i’d have traveled extensively overseas.
i’d be interested in things like good wine, thought-provoking novels, serious tv shows and home decorating.
i’d have money in the bank.
i’d have a wardrobe of quality clothing, each piece selected with purpose.
basically, i thought i’d have my shit together.

but that’s not even close to where my life is at right now.
i’m not married.
i’ve traveled to just one place overseas and on the next opportunity i get to travel, i’m going back there.
i’m interested in home decorating… but still don’t drink, love trashy novels and teen fiction, video games and my idea of good tv is a post-apolcalyptic drama or game of thrones.
i have some money in the bank – but not as much as i’d like.
my wardrobe is… well. i have more clothes than i’ll ever need and yet none of them seem to match.
i do have a house, though.
well… actually, i have the promise of a house in months to come.

i’m actually okay with that, though.

when i was 15, there was no way that i could’ve predicted the life experiences i would have had by the time i was 25; i’m certain that if i had, i would’ve spent the next ten years hiding under the bed.

it’s those life experiences that have shaped and changed me, almost completely derailing the idea of who i thought i would be now.

the great news? i like the person i am now.

becoming comfortable in your own skin is one of life’s hardest lessons and i’m lucky – i’ve learned it early.

i’m a 26 year old that’s a child at heart.
i love the same pop-punk music i loved at 16, interspersed with lady gaga and some regular top-40 tracks.
i love books more than ever and am delighted when i get to tell people my house will have a fully-stocked library when it’s built.
i love clothes. not because i feel a need to look a certain way, but because it allows me to express myself and my moods.
i love video games and got a nintendo ds for my most recent birthday.
i love my family, even when i want to hate them.
i love food – both the healthy kind, and the kind that makes you have a heart attack just looking at it.
i love to sleep.
i’m a little quirky – and i’m so okay with that.

i’m 26 and would have no idea how to change the spare tyre on my car.
i can’t iron. full-stop.
i hate sweeping, mopping and dusting… but am completely okay with scrubbing bathrooms.
i love to cook and bake but make a terrible mess doing so.
i try to remember to make my bed every morning.
i forget to pay my phone bill on time a lot.
i have purchased 1000 thread count sheets for my new house.
i have no idea how to get utilities connected.
i’ve never lived out of home.
i still need my mum when i’m sick or fight with my boyfriend.
i’m committed to driving manual for the rest of my life.
i can grocery shop like nobody’s business.
i have a wardrobe that is partly hung and pressed and beautiful folded… and partly a tangled mess on the floor of my boyfriend’s apartment.
i have no debt, other than my home loan.
i’d love to spend most of my days curled up in bed with a good book.

i’m not what you’d call a proper adult… but i get by.

when my mother was my age, she was full grown up. she owned her own home. she’d never paid a bill late in her life. she was working a stable job in a career she was good at, for a company she’d worked for since she was 18. she was probably very good at things like laundry and kept her house really clean and knew how to mow the lawn.

sometimes, it scares me that i’m not capable of all that just yet.

and other times, i realise – it’s fine.

i’m fine.

i’m comfortable with who i am, where i’m at and where i’m headed.

i’ve got clear goals for what i want out of my life for the next 1, 5 and 10 years… and i’m comfortable with the fact that i won’t achieve all of what i set out to do.

i’m not worried about the things i don’t know how to do, the information i don’t have or the people i haven’t met yet.

i just treat each day as a fresh start and a chance to do something better today than i did yesterday.

and most of all… i’m happy.

i’m the first to admit that my relationship with my family hasn’t been an easy one.

when you’ve got four siblings and two very different parents, not everyone is going to get along all the time. in fact, not everyone is going to get along a lot of the time.

the fun (or not so fun) thing about family is that you’re stuck for a lifetime with people you may not choose to have in your life if they were strangers off the street.

and you know what? that’s okay.

in the past 3 years, i have learned some hard lessons about families (and loving your family) – and i’d love to share them with you.

your siblings may not be your friends.

i have three brothers and a sister; they’re all very different people, and i don’t always like those people. but you know what? they’re what life gave me and it’s important to me that i have strong relationships with them. so, instead of focusing on the things that annoy me, i focus on the things i love – the way my little sister and i love playing The Sims or going out for authentic Indian food; the way that the twins always have an answer when it comes to my car; the way that my youngest brother loves Harry Potter and The Hunger Games.
you don’t have to love your siblings in the same way that you love your friends, but it’s great if you can common ground so that you can spend some time together without ripping each others’ throats out.

your parents are not your friends (and shouldn’t be).

i love my mum dearly; even at 25, i still give her a hug on the way out the door each day before i leave for work. but, she isn’t my friend – and i don’t want her to be. my mum has been all about “tough love” with me since i was little (and even more so now that i’m older) and as much as i resented her for it when i was younger, i ADORE her for it now. my mum doesn’t put up with any shit from her kids; she sets (reasonable) expectations of us as adults and isn’t afraid to let us know if we’ve done the wrong thing.
i am so very grateful for this, because it’s make my siblings and myself into intelligent, hardworking adults who have all finished high school, gotten into university, are gainfully employed and capable of looking after ourselves.

loyalty matters.

even when my relationships with my family weren’t the best, we were (and are) a loyal bunch. i might be mad at my brother, but if my car broke down, he’d be the first one on the scene to fix it. my sister and i fight a lot, but if she needs to borrow a dress for a party or wants me to pick her up from somewhere – i do it. why? because they’re my family. why hold a grudge when they’re the family i’ve got for a lifetime? one fight now is a drop in the bucket to the 60+ years i’ll spend knowing these people.

let it go.

in much the same vein as my previous point – sometimes, you’ve got to just let it go (Elsa, eat your heart out). as much as i might be mad at my brother right now for being rude to me, or upset that my sister stole a dress from my wardrobe without asking, or annoyed that my dad told me off for leaving my junk around the house… but sometimes, you just have to move on. even when it’s something more serious, there comes a time when you have to acknowledge that the damage done from holding a grudge isn’t worth being “right”.
be the bigger person. apologize, if you have to. know that people aren’t perfect and that they make mistakes.

nobody is born a parent.

i’m sure all parents out there would agree that life would have been so much easier if all newborn babies came with a ring-binder manual full of the do’s and don’t of raising a child. unfortunately, this doesn’t happen and so, most parents learn through trial and error what works for them. some parents get it mostly right; other parents, mostly wrong. what’s important to acknowledge is that most parents are just trying to do the best they can with the resources they have and that very few parents do something with a deliberately ill intent in mind.
whether it’s because your parents sent you to one school over another; punished you for a particular thing but didn’t punish your siblings the same way for the same thing or wouldn’t let you do things that other kids were doing… it’s important to come to terms with the fact that being a parent means getting some things right, some things wrong and a whole lot of grey area in between. and if you’re an adult now and your parents are still alive, love you and you’ve escaped those awkward teenage years relatively unscathed… then the rest is immaterial.

it’s a choice.

most of all, know that your relationship with your family has to be a choice. only you can decide once you’re an adult whether to have a relationship with your family and what that kind of relationship is going to be.just make sure that once you’ve made your decision that you’re prepared to live with it – potentially for the rest of your life.

after learning these lessons and making some changes in my life, i’ve gained a great reward – a loving family. we spend time together when we can; text when we can’t. we get along as much as 7 unique people living under one roof can.

and i love them 🙂

ash xoxo

 

 

up until last year, i’d never really given much thought to goals; sure, there were things i wanted, but i had never taken the time to sit down and actually think about how to go about achieving them. 

i’ve since learned that being able to set strong, deliberate and detailed goals makes it so much easier to plan things and work out ways to achieve them. the things that help me do this are to:

be realistic. 

know what i’m capable of achieving, and sometimes be prepared to push a little beyond that. 

put a timeframe on it.

don’t be tempted to put this timeframe as sooner-rather-than later; think about what time and space you can dedicate in your life to working on this goal and then go from there. you may also need to factor in external parties whose help you may need to help you achieve your goal. for example, last year i had thought my home would be finished and i would be living there by the end of 2015; however, i also have to deal with builders, land developers and banks, so things haven’t moved along as quickly as i would’ve hoped. 

build up to it. 

one of my goals for 2016 is to be able to run 5km comfortably. this is a follow-on from one of my goals from last year, which was to complete the City2Sea, which is a 5km run. i didn’t complete the entire thing as a run; i know i need more training. there’s no point in setting a goal to “climb Mount Everest” if you’ve never even gone hiking before. there’s nothing wrong with setting smaller goals that will help you build up to achieving a big, hairy, audacious goal. 

know that you may need to revise things. 

you may find that as you work towards your goals, you need to revise or rework them. you may find that you’re on track to achieve something far more quickly than you’d anticipated and so, want to stretch your goal into something bigger; you may also find that you need a little more time or resources than you’d thought and may need to adjust your goal from there. 

write them down. (and put them somewhere you can see them)

some people use vision boards. you might like to print them off and stick them on the fridge.i’ve taped mine in the front of my diary for this year. whatever works for you, do it. the best way to keep yourself motivated is to have the things you want to achieve where you can see them every day and be reminded of them. putting them somewhere that others can see it also has the benefit of giving others the opportunity to see what you’re up to. you may discover that a friend is working on something similar and can partner with you; a family member might have a certain skill set that will be able to assist you; you may have forgotten that you’d wanted to achieve a certain thing and a friendly question might be the perfect reminder. 

treat yourself. 

although you don’t have to do it for every goal, it doesn’t hurt to reward yourself when you’ve achieved something special. it gives you something to look forward to and can often help provide that extra bit of much needed motivation. when I started training with my friend Liana for the City2Sea, we agreed that if i trained with her 12 weeks in a row without bailing or making excuses not to go, that we would reward ourselves with a dinner at one of our favourite restaurants. it’s certainly gone a long way to keep my feet on the running track!

know that goals aren’t resolutions. 

when i was younger, i loved setting New Year’s resolutions… until i very promptly forgot about them about 4 weeks later. you can set goals at any time of the year; it’s never too late or too early to start. goals are also more specific than the resolutions i used to make. so now, instead of saying “I want to go to the gym more in 2016 and be fit and healthy”, I would commit to two separate goals – “I want to go to the gym three times a week” and “i will bring a sensible lunch to work every day, and once a month i will treat myself to my favourite takeout lunch”. 

and finally…

don’t take any of this too seriously. 

this is what works for me. it may not work for you; if it doesn’t, that’s okay. if this gives you some great ideas – amazing! 

there’s also no reason to beat yourself up if you lose track of things and don’t quite get to where you’d hoped. if you’re still happy and healthy where you’re at right now, that’s totally cool. 
so, what are my goals for this year?

i want my house to be complete and fully furnished so that i can host Christmas for my friends and family. (by December 2016)

i want to have $14,000 saved to go on overseas trips to Vietnam, Indonesia and Hawaii (by September 2016, although I’m already part way there)

i want to read 100 books, at least 25 of which aren’t of a style or genre i would normally read. (by December 2016)

i want to learn how to braid and curl my hair (by June 2016, because i’m sick of having dead straight hair or a ponytail every day)

i want to be able to run 5km without stopping (by September 2016)

i want to be able to do a handstand against a wall. (by December 2016)

i want to practice my writing by blogging at least once a week (by March 2016)

this is just a snapshot of the things i want to achieve. none of these things will come easily and that’s a good thing. i’m looking forward to working on these and will hopefully share my progress as i get closer to achieving them. 

ash xo

i have always wanted to write.

 

how funny it seems to say that; to type those words and to know that there are millions of people out there who have probably thought, typed or written that very same thing at some point in their lives. it feels kind of trite… and yet, for me, it also feels good. natural. less cliche than it should.

 

my mind is a busy place. it can handle multiple thoughts at any one time; i’m a daydreamer by nature, able to be looking out the window and typing an email at the same time. sometimes, i am thinking up stories. other times, i am remembering something i have read. and yet others still i am thinking broader things or concentrated ones, wishing i were writing them down as i go.

 

i am a bookworm by nature; my mother swears i could read (or at least, recognise the same words over and over) before i could walk. i feel like many of my fellow bibliophiles are writers, too. perhaps its something about loving good books that makes you want to write one? or maybe it’s that reading often opens your mind up in a way that nothing else can.

 

so here i am. committing to write more, if only for me; although, i would love for others to share in this journey with me, too. i can’t promise much, except that i’m a little bit odd and so, this blog is likely to be a little bit odd too.