i’m the first to admit that my relationship with my family hasn’t been an easy one.

when you’ve got four siblings and two very different parents, not everyone is going to get along all the time. in fact, not everyone is going to get along a lot of the time.

the fun (or not so fun) thing about family is that you’re stuck for a lifetime with people you may not choose to have in your life if they were strangers off the street.

and you know what? that’s okay.

in the past 3 years, i have learned some hard lessons about families (and loving your family) – and i’d love to share them with you.

your siblings may not be your friends.

i have three brothers and a sister; they’re all very different people, and i don’t always like those people. but you know what? they’re what life gave me and it’s important to me that i have strong relationships with them. so, instead of focusing on the things that annoy me, i focus on the things i love – the way my little sister and i love playing The Sims or going out for authentic Indian food; the way that the twins always have an answer when it comes to my car; the way that my youngest brother loves Harry Potter and The Hunger Games.
you don’t have to love your siblings in the same way that you love your friends, but it’s great if you can common ground so that you can spend some time together without ripping each others’ throats out.

your parents are not your friends (and shouldn’t be).

i love my mum dearly; even at 25, i still give her a hug on the way out the door each day before i leave for work. but, she isn’t my friend – and i don’t want her to be. my mum has been all about “tough love” with me since i was little (and even more so now that i’m older) and as much as i resented her for it when i was younger, i ADORE her for it now. my mum doesn’t put up with any shit from her kids; she sets (reasonable) expectations of us as adults and isn’t afraid to let us know if we’ve done the wrong thing.
i am so very grateful for this, because it’s make my siblings and myself into intelligent, hardworking adults who have all finished high school, gotten into university, are gainfully employed and capable of looking after ourselves.

loyalty matters.

even when my relationships with my family weren’t the best, we were (and are) a loyal bunch. i might be mad at my brother, but if my car broke down, he’d be the first one on the scene to fix it. my sister and i fight a lot, but if she needs to borrow a dress for a party or wants me to pick her up from somewhere – i do it. why? because they’re my family. why hold a grudge when they’re the family i’ve got for a lifetime? one fight now is a drop in the bucket to the 60+ years i’ll spend knowing these people.

let it go.

in much the same vein as my previous point – sometimes, you’ve got to just let it go (Elsa, eat your heart out). as much as i might be mad at my brother right now for being rude to me, or upset that my sister stole a dress from my wardrobe without asking, or annoyed that my dad told me off for leaving my junk around the house… but sometimes, you just have to move on. even when it’s something more serious, there comes a time when you have to acknowledge that the damage done from holding a grudge isn’t worth being “right”.
be the bigger person. apologize, if you have to. know that people aren’t perfect and that they make mistakes.

nobody is born a parent.

i’m sure all parents out there would agree that life would have been so much easier if all newborn babies came with a ring-binder manual full of the do’s and don’t of raising a child. unfortunately, this doesn’t happen and so, most parents learn through trial and error what works for them. some parents get it mostly right; other parents, mostly wrong. what’s important to acknowledge is that most parents are just trying to do the best they can with the resources they have and that very few parents do something with a deliberately ill intent in mind.
whether it’s because your parents sent you to one school over another; punished you for a particular thing but didn’t punish your siblings the same way for the same thing or wouldn’t let you do things that other kids were doing… it’s important to come to terms with the fact that being a parent means getting some things right, some things wrong and a whole lot of grey area in between. and if you’re an adult now and your parents are still alive, love you and you’ve escaped those awkward teenage years relatively unscathed… then the rest is immaterial.

it’s a choice.

most of all, know that your relationship with your family has to be a choice. only you can decide once you’re an adult whether to have a relationship with your family and what that kind of relationship is going to be.just make sure that once you’ve made your decision that you’re prepared to live with it – potentially for the rest of your life.

after learning these lessons and making some changes in my life, i’ve gained a great reward – a loving family. we spend time together when we can; text when we can’t. we get along as much as 7 unique people living under one roof can.

and i love them 🙂

ash xoxo